Economics Humor: DSK Jokes
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Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s May arrest for sexually assaulting his hotel maid caused a media frenzy – and a sensation of DSK jokes followed. Everyone from Joan Rivers to SNL weighed in on the darkly humorous aspects surrounding DSK’s arrest and many couldn’t resist drawing parallels to the scandalous news.
The Saturday Night Live video may not be available in your country so here’s a transcript of ‘Cold Case’, poking fun at Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ]
Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s May arrest for sexually assaulting his hotel maid caused a media frenzy – and a sensation of DSK jokes followed. Everyone from Joan Rivers to SNL weighed in on the darkly humorous aspects surrounding DSK’s arrest and many couldn’t resist drawing parallels to the scandalous news.
The Saturday Night Live video may not be available in your country so here’s a transcript of ‘Cold Case’, poking fun at Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ]
[ dissolve to interior, jail cell, as Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn is led inside by a Guard ]
Guard: Probably not the high-end accomodations you’re used to, Mr. Strauss-Kahn, but, uh, make yourself at home.
[ Strauss-Kahn sits on a bench as the Guard exits; a pair of inmates at the rear of the cell take notice ]
Inmate #1: Did you hear what I heard?
Inmate #2: Well, we best introduce ourselves!
[ they step forward and surround Strauss-Kahn ]
Inmate #2: Hey! Hey, we heard all about you on the news!
Inmate #1: Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Former head of the IMF!
Inmate #2: Well, guess what, Mr. Strauss-Kahn? I have a question for YOU! [ he leans closer ] What’s the IMF gonna do about the debt crisis in Greece?
Inmate #1: I tell you what I’D do: I’d let ’em default, get Greece out of the Eurozone.
Inmate #2: Come on, man! You gotta give Greece a chance to settle they debt!
Inmate #1: With what?! Greeks don’t be payin’ their taxes! Where’s the revenue gonna come from? They gonna sell a chillion dollars worth of feta?
Inmate #2: Oh, snap! Come on now! Come on now, don’t be beatin’ on the Greeks!
Inmate #1: You know what the biggest Greek export is? Hard-working Greeks!
Inmate #2: True! True!
[ Strauss-Kahn smiles quietly ]
Inmate #2: Yeah, Strauss-Kahn kinda likes that! Look at Strauss-Kahn! Ha ha! Yeah!
Inmate #1: Yo! You wanna feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for the Irish.
Inmate #2: Oh, I hear that! You GOTTA feel Ireland! [ they bump fists ]
Inmate #1: Man. The Irish been eatin’ dirt and potatoes for 400 years. You can’t blame them for thinking it was their time for some happiness.
Inmate #2: Yeah, but the good news is, the Irish know how to HANDLE hard times! They like the Germans!
Inmate #1: What?! You can’t say that! The Germans the only people in Europe that know the score right now!
Inmate #2: What about Sweden?
Inmate #1: I mean countries in the Eurozone.
Inmate #2: Well, you didn’t SAY that!
Inmate #1: [ he shrugs ] We talkin’ about the Euros! So leave Sweden out of it!
Inmate #2: Well, when it comes to the Euro, Sweden thanks God every day that they were left out of it! [ he playfully shoves Strauss-Kahn ] You know what I’m talkin’ about, Strauss-Kahn! [ Strauss-Kahn smiles along ]
Inmate #2: Yeah, he likes THAT one! See, he’s smiling a little bit! He’s in JAIL, but he’s smilin’! Yeah!
Inmate #1: All I’m saying, is the Germans have proven that the only way out of a debt crisis is austerity measures. You get in a jam, you gotta cut back.
Inmate #2: Yo! But you can’t expect the rest of Europe to act like Germany! I mean, Germans be GOOD at being hostile — that’s they habit! All a German needs to smile, is a half a sausage and a carton of Menthol! I mean, you can’t expect somebody in Spain to be happy with that! In Spain, they need to rezone sangria!
Inmate #1: And I guess Germany has to pay for Spain’s sangria?
Inmate #2: They do if they don’t want the Euro to crumble.
Inmate #1: [ he scoffs ] Would you have Germany bail out Portugal?
Inmate #2: Bitch, you know I got no love for Portugal! Portugal ain’t nothin’ but the dingleberry hanging off of Spain’s nutsack! [ he scoffs ] Portugal! And they low-ass broke! They can fall in the ocean for all I care!
Inmate #1: So now you willin’ to let a domino fall. But when it was Greece, it was a different story.
Inmate #2: Yo! Greece created democracy! I got MAD respect for Greece!
Inmate #1: Man, creation of democracy is in the PAST, yo! Greece wantin’ respect for democracy is like Nas wantin’ respect for Illmatic!
Inmate #2: Oh, snap!
Inmate #1: I mean, DSK know what I’m talkin’ about!
Inmate #2: [ laughing ] Yeah, that’s fair! Okay! That’s fair!
Inmate #1: It’s been really good talkin’ to you, Mr. Strauss-Kahn.
Inmate #2: Yeah. It truly has. So, uh — [ he looks around the cell ] We gonna RAPE you now! Yeah!
[ both inmates place their hands on Strauss-Kahn’s shoulders ]
Inmate #2: And…
All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”
Can’t get enough DSK humor? Here are the top 10 DSK jokes:
“The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service.” – Jay Leno
“You know you’re in trouble when your sex scandal comes out the same weekend as Osama Bin Laden’s and you’re the one who looks like the real asshole.” – Jon Stewart
“Did you hear about the great new show on CBS’ fall lineup? Celebrity Housekeeper.” – David Letterman
“Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF.” – Craig Ferguson
In response to Bernard Henri-Levy’s theory that DSK is innocent because he shouldn’t have been alone with a maid because “the habitual practice of most of New York’s grand hotels of sending a ‘cleaning brigade’ of two people into a room…”
“Only the French would call two maids “A Brigade.” – Jon Stewart
“I’m not saying Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s wife doesn’t trust him, but she’s started setting the table with salt and pepper spray.” – Joan Rivers
“They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy.” – David Letterman
A new scientific study released today says that iPad owners are less likely to commit adultery “because they stop noticing other people altogether.”
The study also indicated that iPad owners are far less likely to have sex with the people they are married to, but that in two-iPad couples “neither partner seems to care”.
The new findings about the iPad drew widespread praise for the tablet device, including an official seal of approval from the National Association of Housekeepers and Maids.
In Europe, the International Monetary Fund announced that the iPad would be “mandatory equipment” for any candidate who hopes to take the helm of the IMF.” – Andy Borowitz
“The head of the International Monetary Fund, arrested in New York for assaulting a hotel maid, has posted the one million dollars bail in cash. Well, there goes Nigeria’s mosquito net money.” – Jon Stewart
“Karma truly is a bitch! Dominique Strauss-Kahn is renting a luxury apartment for $50,000 per month, but he has to do his own housekeeping.” – Joan Rivers
